by Justin Crockett

Some of us have jobs that make us only see murder. The tedium of the day is crushing. You think you could look up at the clock and a few hours have passed, but in reality there is no clock, and you have three hard dicks slapping you in the forehead. That’s the kind of workday that is endless. You could go poop again, you guess, but your legs always fall asleep and you end up walking around with red elbows.

Thankfully, I’ve compiled a list of ways to make your day at your cubicle/office/snakepit pass just a little quicker:

  • Creep up behind your co-workers and put the tip of a knife against their lower back. Don’t puncture, just let them feel the twinge of fear
  • Arrange your files in an orderly manner
  • Network with other colleagues and workshop some new ways to manage efficiency
  • Fill everyone’s staplers with fingernail clippings(not yours, that would be weird)
  • Jenga/pluck knuckles tournament
  • Introduce everyone to Scott, your personal blood demon
  • Stand by the water cooler. Offer a polite but firm “I wouldn’t” to all prospective water-takers. Maintain eye contact.
  • Fill your paper clip and rubber band dispensers
  • Let housekeeping know of some common trouble spots around the building
  • Meet with your supervisor to discuss office morale
  • Find a quiet corner and eat several small bags of Doritos. Alternate Nacho and Cool Ranch. Keep your tongue surprised
  • Adjust your office chair to ensure optimum posture
  • Silently weep
  • Compose yourself
  • Look online for jobs in your area
  • Send angry texts to your significant other about the lack of open job positions in your area and how they forced you into this job and life that you didn’t ask for and if they had an issue like this they would make damn sure you listened to it
  • Update your phone directory
  • No fuck you if I have to take a little less pay, then I’ll do it so that I come home in a better mood and don’t pull out the whiskey highballs the second I walk in the door DIE BITCH
  • Sign cards for upcoming co-worker birthdays