by Justin Crockett

I want to love you. God help me, I do.

I don’t hate science fiction/fantasy/early Harrison Ford. I swear I don’t. I find Ford quite lovely in Apocalypse Now, even in his brief role. He has the “I just got back from something tennis-related” face of a rich girl’s dad, and for that I find him very appealing.

I don’t hate richly-built universes with tons of iconic characters. Game of Thrones, the Indiana Jones series, the first Jaws(Amity is a very underrated and well-drawn community), the countless video game worlds that I spent my youth poring over. I’m so into a cultivated fictional existence where you picture things going on even if you aren’t reading or watching it.


Yup. Bombing every inch of Hyrule. Classic Link.  

The Star Wars series was a mainstay on TV when I was growing up. Even though I haven’t sat down to watch them in a focused manner, I’ve seen them all separately at one time or another, and also through basic cultural osmosis. Recently, I had the idea to sit down and watch the original three all in a row, to see if there was something I just wasn’t getting, something I had missed. How could my brain not have a place in its brainheart for such a beloved series?

I decided to forgo watching them. Forget that I don’t have a nine hour block to dedicate to something I might end up regretting. Ignore the fact that I’m so petty, I wouldn’t be able to get past the 70’s-era special effects and immerse myself in the story. Pay no attention to the reality that I have watched the entire Sex & the City series, and was emotionally invested in all of the characters. Yes, I chose to watch Carrie lead her pack of cackling hyenas and ruin several good men along the way FUCK YOU CARRIE AIDEN WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD TO YOU

I don’t hate happiness. I see the droves of fans that dress up and quote every single little-known reference and I WANT THAT. I could totally fit in, guys! Why wouldn’t I want a light saber?? I’ll line up with you at the movies and swing it around and talk about how Billy Dee Williams is the shit.

I love space! There’s different planets with their own terrain, and species? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, please! Growing up, the Ewoks were a close second to Gizmo for shit I want right now because I’m a kid and don’t realize the implications of owning these creatures. I still find them goddamn adorable. Chewbacca is like a big friendly…and ROBOTS! Droids or whatever?! Two of them hanging out and talking shit like the two old Muppet Show guys? FUCK!

There are so many reasons I want to be a part of you. But I can’t. I’m just….not feeling it. I don’t get the story, or I don’t care about it. It would just be weird now. Even if I watched you and finally found what I was looking for, I can’t start at this age. I can’t be the 36 year old who gets giddy at the Star Wars theme all of a sudden. That’s not how life works. You know what’s really messed up? I’ll probably watch the upcoming reboot and love it.

And I’ll be that guy. The jackass that wandered into a once-in-a-lifetime cultural event and came out wondering what the hell a “Most Easily” cantina is.