An Apology to Star Wars

Star-Wars_0

by Justin Crockett

I want to love you. God help me, I do.

I don’t hate science fiction/fantasy/early Harrison Ford. I swear I don’t. I find Ford quite lovely in Apocalypse Now, even in his brief role. He has the “I just got back from something tennis-related” face of a rich girl’s dad, and for that I find him very appealing.

I don’t hate richly-built universes with tons of iconic characters. Game of Thrones, the Indiana Jones series, the first Jaws(Amity is a very underrated and well-drawn community), the countless video game worlds that I spent my youth poring over. I’m so into a cultivated fictional existence where you picture things going on even if you aren’t reading or watching it.

LOZBomb

Yup. Bombing every inch of Hyrule. Classic Link.  

The Star Wars series was a mainstay on TV when I was growing up. Even though I haven’t sat down to watch them in a focused manner, I’ve seen them all separately at one time or another, and also through basic cultural osmosis. Recently, I had the idea to sit down and watch the original three all in a row, to see if there was something I just wasn’t getting, something I had missed. How could my brain not have a place in its brainheart for such a beloved series?

I decided to forgo watching them. Forget that I don’t have a nine hour block to dedicate to something I might end up regretting. Ignore the fact that I’m so petty, I wouldn’t be able to get past the 70’s-era special effects and immerse myself in the story. Pay no attention to the reality that I have watched the entire Sex & the City series, and was emotionally invested in all of the characters. Yes, I chose to watch Carrie lead her pack of cackling hyenas and ruin several good men along the way FUCK YOU CARRIE AIDEN WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD TO YOU

I don’t hate happiness. I see the droves of fans that dress up and quote every single little-known reference and I WANT THAT. I could totally fit in, guys! Why wouldn’t I want a light saber?? I’ll line up with you at the movies and swing it around and talk about how Billy Dee Williams is the shit.

I love space! There’s different planets with their own terrain, and species? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, please! Growing up, the Ewoks were a close second to Gizmo for shit I want right now because I’m a kid and don’t realize the implications of owning these creatures. I still find them goddamn adorable. Chewbacca is like a big friendly…and ROBOTS! Droids or whatever?! Two of them hanging out and talking shit like the two old Muppet Show guys? FUCK!

There are so many reasons I want to be a part of you. But I can’t. I’m just….not feeling it. I don’t get the story, or I don’t care about it. It would just be weird now. Even if I watched you and finally found what I was looking for, I can’t start at this age. I can’t be the 36 year old who gets giddy at the Star Wars theme all of a sudden. That’s not how life works. You know what’s really messed up? I’ll probably watch the upcoming reboot and love it.

And I’ll be that guy. The jackass that wandered into a once-in-a-lifetime cultural event and came out wondering what the hell a “Most Easily” cantina is.

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