by Tim Thompson
…not care about gay marriage. Well, at least not in the way that you think I should. Do I believe that everyone everywhere should have the right to get married? Of course! Does this at all change the course of my life plans? Not even a tiny little bit. I know that I should probably be marching in some parade waving my little rainbow flag and denouncing Baptist people everywhere for disagreeing with my point of view. Well, for one I am technically a Baptist so there is a conflict of interest, and two, the rainbow flag looks just horrible against my skin tone.
Me, Tim Thompson, with rainbow flag.
There are a few reasons that, in my opinion, will make it difficult for straight people to accept the fact that we will all be stuck in the same miserable situations for all our lives, or, until we decide to get a divorce. I will talk about just a couple here but feel free to add you own reasons in the comments section. I promise not to read any of them and then write you a vague thank-you note for submitting them.
This is probably THE most obvious reason that straight people are against gay marriage and it comes down to one word: jealousy. Let’s be honest guys, there is NO way that a straight couple could pull off a wedding with the style and flair that a gay couple spits out before noon on a Tuesday. Oh you’re having a rustic themed wedding with hay bales as seating? Aw, that’s cute honey. I am having a rustic themed wedding too, but my benches will be made of third world children that you can adopt after the ceremony. Homemade mason jars as party favors? We have blood diamonds glued together in the shape of a heart using Taylor Swift’s saliva. Oh, you’re serving filet mignon? I’ve got baby polar bear steaks with a baby seal skin consommé.
There is just something we are born with that allows us to go above and beyond what is considered as normal or practical and it almost always works. No one group of people toes the line between tasteful and tacky as much as we do and gets away with it.
Obviously the main reason for this is because we get to choose our own. We thumb through our Russian baby catalog and get to pick the cutest one we can find. We don’t have to go through pregnancy and childbirth, which, let’s call a spade a spade, is just gross. If you don’t think so then you have never seen it happen. On the flip side, there is no gender reveal party which would be just white trash enough to take us down a peg or two. So here we remain, up here on our pedestal.
Now sometimes things go awry and a gay couple’s child will turn out to be straight. Even with all the pamphlets we read about converting everyone to our side, sometimes the best laid plans fail to come to fruition. At that point we just have to assume that they will have at least one gay grandchild so our plan to one day rule the world will be realized.
Whatever your feelings about gay marriage are, I would hope that you remember that we are all people. Me being able to get married really does NOT affect your marriage in any way. And if everyone turned some of that focus onto their own marriage maybe the divorce rate would fall below 50%
We ALL deserve to be treated equally, no matter how fabulous our wedding day.