by Justin Crockett
It’s not uncommon for things to just randomly plummet to earth sometimes. Hail, frogs, even hoardes of dead birds are strange, but accepted phenomena. Sometimes, however, the world ceases to make sense, and some batshit crazy objects appear from the heavens.
#7. Cement Bricks
Cloud seeding is an unpopular, but common, way that man has tried to exert his manliness upon nature. In theory, it is a way to change the way that weather happens, such as when you don’t want it to rain during an Air Force testing mission, or during your autumn solstice prayer dance to Lucifer. In 2008, the Russians did precisely the former, in an attempt to clear the skies for a routine test. Their seeding method is a cement brick consisting of liquid nitrogen and silver iodide, which breaks during its fall from high altitudes. This brick, however, really liked itself as it was, and instead bombed through a civilian’s roof far below.
Picture your most terrifying nightmare. Now, add a bare-chested Steve Guttenberg sticking his fingers in your mouth, maintaning full eye contact, and you have an appropriation of the horror that hiker Christian Gaona witnessed in 2007 while on San Bernardo Mountain with his friends. Seemingly out of nowhere, HOLY LORD, SPIDERS began dropping out of the sky. Somehow, he felt lucky that he was able to capture this event on camera. We, on the other hand, just had a miscarriage at the thought.
Sometimes strange whirlwind effects can converge to pick up light insects and animals and drop them miles away, but no one can explain why only one species will be singled out. Also, the spiders are much lighter than other animals, so you can actually stand in slack-jawed horror and watch them slowly drift to the ground, cursing the God that allowed this.
#5. 16th Century Rubles
In central Russia, 1940, someone literally made it rain. It would have been strange enough had it been pennies or nickles, but instead the sky shat out 16th century rubles. Almost a thousand of them. Scientists suggest that a tornado swept up some partially hidden stash that Link tucked away while looking for the Master Sword, and spat them out, even though there wasn’t a single shard of debris included with them.
#4. Judas Tree Seeds
In the village of Macerata, Italy, a number of crimson red clouds suddenly appeared in the skies above. When they opened up, scores of little seeds fell to the ground, covering it in a half inch layer. On further examination, people saw them many of them had even begun germinating. Every single seed was of the Judas tree, which is found as far away as France and Yugoslavia. No twigs, no branches, just a shitload of seeds. Sadly, weather-related sayings such as “It’s raining flowering deciduous trees today!” have been eschewed in modern times for the far cuter “dogs and cats”.
#3. A Cow
A plane was crossing the Sea of Japan in 1997 with a stolen cow. That one line is just funny by itself. But there’s more. A Russian cargo plane was departing a Siberian airfield, when a cow wandered onto the tarmac, because it’s Siberia, so, why not? The crew figured they could have an in-flight meal, so they whisked it aboard.
What can only be imagined as a comedy of errors, upon takeoff, the cow started losing its shit. Mooing its ass off at his new comrades, he then started tear-assing through the cargo hold, which then made the plane’s stability come into question. Faced with mad cow(har!), they thought long and hard, weighed their options, and pushed the damn cow out of the plane at 30.000 feet.
Oh, then it hit a Japanese fishing boat, causing it to sink.
#2. Frozen Shit
Germany. Land of all things deranged. When you’re the country that invented the shizer video, why would it be a surprise that there’s solid blocks of shit falling out of the sky? When airlines jettison their bathroom waste, more increasingly, it’s people’s homes that are the target. At that high altitude, the waste freezes easily, and 20,000 feet later, it’s a goddamn torpedo of filthy death that has been known to crash through roofs.
Things straight up falling out of the open sky is a bizarre event no matter what. It’s a phenomena that even science has to pussy out about and just shrug its shoulders sometimes. But of all the absurd shit that has fallen from the heavens, one particular event is flipping all the others off.
Yes, it’s the uber-appealing “Kentucky Meat Shower”
Now that phrase can elicit a number of metaphoric, silly images to the mind. Is it a bunch of hill-people convinced that ground beef fights are the best way to lay claim to their hollow? Perhaps it’s the latest coal miner gang-bang sex tape?
It’s a story from 1876, in Olympian Springs. A Mrs. Crouch was in her yard on a clear day, when she began being pelted with what appeared to be perfectly good beef. Beef!, you say? I’ve never heard mutton like it!!
Big pieces of meat, some three to four inches square, continued to fall on and around her for several minutes. Two gentlemen happened by, and seeing a yard full of steak tartare, proceeded to freaking eat it. In their opinion, it was quite similar to venison. Obviously, this caught the attention of scientists, thinking they had stumbled upon the first working meat vortex.
By the time the meatfall was over, it covered an area 100 yards long and 50 yards wide. Experts eventually concluded that it was indeed meat of some sort, but beyond that, they were baffled. One theory that is considered most popular is that a pack of buzzards was flying over, just after a big meal at T.G.I Dead Horse’s. One buzzard, probably the cool one, disgorged himself over the lady’s yard, and the others followed suit, barfing a plethora of undigested meat from on high. Which begs the question, why couldn’t they pull these shenanigans over Ethiopia, or India? We’re literally the fattest, most gluttonous people in the world IF MEAT IS FALLING FROM OUR SKIES.
Unsubstantiated reports abound of a similar event in the ritzy side of town, where Angus beef rained over the neighborhood, filling Kentuckians with abject horror, then, ultimately, meat sweats.