by Justin Crockett
When you’re a globe-trotting megastar in the world of music, you probably have it all: Money, girls, respect, the strongest immune system known to man. Sometimes all of those perks aren’t enough, and you have to start “expressing yourself” in other ways. Tell-all memoirs are one way. Maybe a foray into animal mating gesture mimicry. Or, like these people, awkward as shit cameos on TV shows…..
#7. James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich-Dragons?
Dave the Barbarian was a Disney Channel cartoon in 2004, that lasted only 23 episodes, the shortest run in the history of the network. Maybe because when you hear about barbarians, the first thing that enters you brain is not a wimpy guy who is oversensitive to pain, and would rather cook, or knit a sweater, rather than fight.
In an effort to toughen things up, metal lords of Metallica, James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich, appeared on an episode as a couple of teenage dragons.
In the inimitable words of the man that taught us to bow to Leper Messiah, “a dragon don’t work for the man, DIG??” And Ulrich kinda just repeats him.
#6. Phil Collins, “Miami Vice”
Phil Collins is responsible for many things. The rise of progressive rock in the 1970’s with Genesis, the worldwide acceptance and adoration of tiny, bald men, the rise of 80’s synthesized cheese pop with Genesis, and the most terrifying, nightmare-inducing video ever made:
Annnnnndddd night terrors
In some kind of cocaine-fueled pact between Miami Vice producers and Phil, they agreed to basically put every song he recorded in the early 80’s onto the show. They even allowed him to be in the show. In an episode called “Phil the Shill”, he appeared as a sleazy game show host named Phil Mayhew, who runs a game show called “Rat Race”.
Two contestants are engaged in a battle of wits. Phil asks a final question “How many bathrooms are there in Graceland?” The first guy, apparently Balki’s goth brother, quips “You mean the whole country???” Incredibly enough, he gets it wrong, leading to a super bonus round. To the tune of Phil’s own “Rat Race”, written especially for the episode, the two contestants putter around what has to be the world’s tiniest obstacle course. Seriously, the Mouse Trap board game takes more space. The whole entire time, a bearded, possible Yugoslavian man in the audience is completely losing his shit cheering for goth-Balki.
At the end, it’s revealed that the whole entire thing is rigged, as the game show is being cancelled immediately after its conclusion. We’re still trying to put the piece of our lives back together….
You sweet, sweet little angel man-baby
#5. Frank Zappa, “Miami Vice”
Frank Zappa, the bizarre but talented rocker known for such gems as “Peaches en Regalia”, and “Watermelon in Easter Hay”, entered the 80’s with a new record label and renewed sense of direction. And what better way to get yourself and your new agenda out there, than kicking it with Crockett and Tubbs? Yes, he lost himself in the role as drug kingpin Mario Fuente. Who sold something called “weasel dust”. There’s also many bikini clad girls on the boat who suffered from the horrible affliction “80’s butt”.
You poor, poor thing.
#4. Boy George, “The A-Team”
Boy George himself would be the first to tell you he’s not the manliest thing that could appear in an 80’s television show that secreted pure testosterone. In this plot-happy episode, a Cowboy George is scheduled to perform at the local redneck bar. When Cowboy doesn’t surface, holy shit we need a George who can fill in!!! Boy George to the rescue!
While he gets his share of heckles from the rowdy, Milwaukee’s Best-stricken crowd, they eventually come around and fall in love with the performance. Because rednecks are super understanding of alternate lifestyles.
#3. Tom Morello, “Star Trek Voyager”
Rage Against the Machine dominated the 90’s, with their hard steely edge, and politically heavy lyrics. Tom Morello is mostly responsibly for their sound, utilizing multiple effects that mimicked DJ scratces, and otherworldly screeching sounds.
Morello is a nerd, straight up. And not afraid to admit it. He’s even writing his own comic book. He is also trying to dabble in acting. One of his first appearances is as the guy who showed us funny animal videos on Animal Planet, who just happened to wander upon the Voyager, unnoticed.
Morello plays Crewman Mitchell, a Human Starfleet officer, who greets Captain Janeway as she proceeds down a corridor on board the ship. In a rather wooden manner, he tells Janeway that he’s been “never better”, and directs her down the hallway with a “to the left, m’am”, a possible reference to his political views.
#2. Anthrax, “Married With Children”
Bud Bundy likes his rock music. That’s why he enters to have the chance to host a party thrown at his house. Too bad that’s the same night as Peg and Al’s anniversary. The answer? The kids send them down to Florida for some hand-stuffed-in-pants relaxation.
The band arrives in the midst of a snowstorm, with no one to play to except good ol’ Marcy and the kids. Not even Scott Ian’s unholy turd of a goatee shows up. They sit around awkwardly, sounding all street and stuff. They do, however, finally get Al’s “mystery package” out of the fridge, though. Then they rip into song, showing us why they’re the 4th best thrash band of our generation…..out of 4.
#1. Mike Jagger, “Faerie Tale Theatre”
Mick Jagger is Asian. That’s why he was cast to play The Emperor, an Oriental man of royalty who befriends a housemaid, and a little bird. While looking suspiciously like Lo Pan, from “Big Trouble in Little China”
Can we please get this guy a green-eyed bitch? He gets really cranky.
In an episode of Faerie Tale Theatre dubbed “The Nightingale”, Sir Mick pretty much puts on a display of simple restraint, contrary to his cock-walking and shimmying on stage. And by restraint, we mean he hardly does anything. He spouts out half-assed truths, and rather just enjoys listening to himself.