by Justin Crockett
When it comes to music, we don’t ask a lot of our idols. Churn out some hits, give us some solid albums, and don’t commit high crimes or kill anybody. Some of these people didn’t get that fax…..
#6. Vince Neil
December 8th is a shitty day to be a rock musician. It was the day John Lennon was shot in 1980, Dimebag Darrell of Pantera fame met his maker on that day in 2004, and it’s also the day Vince Neil of Motley Crue decided to drive himself and Hanoi Rocks drummer “Razzle” Dingley to the liquor store. While shit-face drunk. He quickly lost control of the wheel, as is prone to happen in such circumstances. He crashed his hot rod head-on into two people, leaving them with brain damage, and killing his passenger. He did 15 days in jail.
“They’ll be fine”
Not content to just have a little weight on his conscience, in 2003 he choke-slammed a girl at the Bunny Ranch in Vegas. Next year he beat a guy’s ass during his own show, leaving him unconscious for 45 minutes. A 2007 DUI, another one in 2010, and a girlfriend ass-whipping last year round out a strong portfolio of “Jesus Christ he’s ornery”.
#5. GG Allin
Kevin “GG” Allin(born Jesus Christ Allin) was a punk rock singer/songwriter best known for shocking stage performances involving fecal exploits, self-mutilation, straight up attacking audience members, and also the fecal exploits thing again, because by that we mean eating poop. Eating poop.
“I would sincerely like to thank all of our devoted fans for attending tonight, now, WHO WANTSTA EAT SOME SHITTTTTTT”
He was named Jesus by his father, who was convinced that he would be a great man in the same vein as the Messiah himself. And he was, kinda. He was extremely good at inflicting pain and bloody damage to himself whilst performing. He was certainly near the top of the crop at the aforementioned defecating. He would actually take laxatives before going on stage, so that he could pop a squat midsong. These silly antics would often get him immediately arrested shortly into his shows, charged with indecent exposure, or plain assault from beating the shit out of his fans.
Allin was also a devoted serial killer fan. He idolized John Wayne Gacy, in particular, even going so far as to visit him in prison numerous times. These visits resulted in Gacy doing a sweet little portrait for GG, which he used as an album cover.
His legal troubles finally caught up to him in 1989, when he was charged with assault to do great bodily harm to a woman in Michigan. Allin admitted to cutting and burning her, then, clearly not satiated, drinking her blood. He insisted it was willing participation on both sides, so yeah, she kinda sounds like a nice gal. He ended up doing a year and half in prison. Upon release, he promptly skipped parole, doing one last tour before his eventual death from a heroin overdose. The director of said tour? None other than Todd Phillips, of “Road Trip” and “The Hangover” fame.
His funeral, in 1993, was a debaucherous affair, with an open casket containing his bloated, shit-smelling corpse, replete in leather jacket and trademark jock strap. We guess that’s pretty punk.
#4. Carlo Gesualdo
One of the most imaginative composers of the Renaissance Era, Carlo Gesualdo was a prodigy who helped put Italy on the classical map, playing the lute, harpsichord, and even guitar. He was also a brilliant nepotist, marrying his first cousin at age 20.
After two years of bliss, she began a torrid affair with the handsome Duke of Andria. While everyone in town was aware of the situation, Carlo was none the wiser. Upon coming home one night unannounced, he found his wife and Duke mid-coitus. He murdered them both savagely, but oh yeah did we mention he was a prince? While it was clear he was the murderer, his royalty allowed him to escape any punishment. So he continued being all murdery, shaking his infant son to death, and later, murdering his father in law.
#3. Jim Gordon
Jim Gordon was a well-respected rock drummer in the 60’s and 70’s. He did studio work for The Beach Boys, and also enjoyed a stint in the legendary Derek and the Dominoes with Eric Clapton. His mental health was not as crisp as his stickwork, however, being a hardcore schizophrenic.
On the night of June 3, 1983, Gordon finally succumbed to those violent voices, brutally murdering his mother with first a hammer, then a butcher knife. He topped off the eventful evening with a drink at the local pub. Then he did 16 years in prison.
#2. John Phillips
The Mamas and the Papas were a bastion of California good time relaxing music in the 60’s. One of the principal songwriters was John Phillips. They enjoyed a wave of success, culminating in him raping his daughter.
From the time she was 19, and continuing for another ten years, he would inject her with cocaine and heroin, and proceed to raping her, even on the night of her first marriage. He eventually impregnated her, prompting to her presumably to one of the quickest abortions in recorded history.
#1. Varg Vikernes
Norwegian black metal is not something to be fucked with. Case in point: the story of Mayhem guitarist Varg Vikernes.
From the Bjoergen Fjords
In 1992, Vikernes, a known far-right “activist”, burned three churches to the ground near Oslo, including one on Christmas Eve. While already a suspect in the case, he visited fellow Mayhem guitarist Oystein Aarseth’s apartment. While there, an argument escalated to the point where Vikernes stabbed his bandmate to death. And then kept stabbing, for a final gouge-tally of 23. He was sentenced to 23 years in prison.