by Justin Crockett
When you remember Billy Mays and his beard, and Ron Popeil and his apron(??), your mind conjurs up feelings of goofy-but-probably-somewhat-useful products. But then, sometimes, the universe unleashes a shart of such proportion that the sun devours itself and were are left alone in the darkness. These products were devised by an elite team of supervillains and robots who don’t yet understand humans.
The Boyfriend Body Pillow
For $30, you can have a replica of your lover’s disembodied torso half, complete with business shirt and protruding arm for spooning. Perhaps somewhere, in another woman’s apartment is the other half of this philandering pillowey son of a bitch.
“Happy Hot Dog Man” Hot Dog Nightmare Set
For the “wanting to flay and decorate a penis” enthusiast, “Happy Hot Dog Man” set enables you to slice a boring old regular hot dog into a replica of a person. With the unsettlingly-dildo-shaped cutting tool, you can make a whole frankfurter family and then devour them and their children!
Michael Myers’ Rejuvenate Mask
The Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask not only repels normalcy, but also shoots pulses of electricity(via 9 volt battery) into your face while you(presumably) masturbate furiously. Users describe the facial workout as akin to sit-ups for your face, so there’s that.
The Back-Up Bedside Gun Rack
The Back-Up Bedside Shotgun Rack(we could just end the sentence there) not only offers a toddler-level swinging toy, but also peace of mind from the danger of intruders. The $40 rack slides under your mattress and gives you easy access to reach down and destroy freedom-haters.
Wonder Sauna Hot Pants
The 1970s nominee for “JESUS CHRIST!”, the “Wonder Sauna Hot Pants” promised to slenderize your body wherever you desired. The inflatable front-balloon-ass was presumably filled with warm water, which then sloshed around while hugging your nether regions, creating a genitalish mist.
Also available in “short”, if you want to show a little more upper knee:
GoPilot Portable Female Urinal
This $35 contraption enables functioning women to piss anywhere and everywhere, and does not at all resemble an oxygen mask that you place on your face and mouth.
TaJazzle Sex Crystals
Weirdly unexplained 3-step system involving Swarovski crystals for making your sex smell and taste the best it can be. The cryptic infomercial also features some of the most bizarre and other-dimensionally bad acting.
Doc Bottom’s Aspray All-Over Deodorant
The first ever(!!!) men’s all-body deodorant, Doc Bottom’s Aspray is perfect for spraying your manstink areas. The odors are neutralized before they can even start. It’s made by a former roofing contractor, so you know it’s good.
Under-Ease Fart Pants
For around $30, you can attach a plastic-y garbage bag to your ass to catch all of your noxious fumes. These special smell-catching underwear even have removable filters, so that they can be the best at being bombarded by your unholy stank.