by Roth’s Child
So we all have that one crazy friend who “totally knows” what’s going on. Usually it involves the currency in your pocket (“I mean, just look at it!”), assassination plots, or banking policy (read: the Jews). “The Jews,” you say?
Maybe even you, yourself, began clicking some links and have stumbled across some people making points that connect a little too well. If you read enough into the subject, you are bound to stumble upon some of the “all-stars” of conspiracy theory. But, of course, having thousands of fans doesn’t make you right. It doesn’t even make you sane. Here are 6 of the all-time most popular conspiracy theorists with batshit crazy theories, in order of influence.
5. Milton William Cooper
The “grandfather of the conspiracy movement,” (in a Clint Eastwood way) Milton William Cooper (from here on to be referred to as Coop), was born in Long Beach, CA, in 1943. Following his father’s lead, he joined the military out of high school, rising to the rank of petty officer. Later, he (claims he) would begin training at the Naval Security and Intelligence School for Internal Security Specialists and would work doing Naval Security and Intel intermittently. Coop left the alleged Navy (allegedly) in 1975 to pursue a career in demotivational speaking, touring the UFO lecture circuit and divulging the seedy secret information he claimed he had on his former employers involving UFOs, Secret Societies and FEMA. Did you know that JFK was killed by the driver? Coop did.
He also penned and released one of the most infamous books in all of conspiracy theory literature, Behold a Pale Horse (4.2 fucking stars). Some of the theories he proposed here were about moon bases, the aliens influencing a Russian revolution, and the “Protocols of the Wise Men of Zion,” or as it should be known, “Dialogue in Starbucks Between Asshole 1 and Asshole 2.” He also ran his own shortwave radio show, was a dinosaur expert, a national militia leader and was gunned down at his home in 2001 after the law tried serving him a warrant. Clinton once called him “the most dangerous man on the radio,” apparently never hearing of Dr. Demento.
Meet the Fans
Coop is something of a conspiracy theorist legend, if such a thing can exist. For instance, take his death. On 5 November 2001, Apache County law enforcement came to his property to serve a warrant for “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon” to the man already wanted for unpaid taxes (because the IRS was created by magicians). Known for being an angry and violent drunk, he gave his best effort to quell the misconception and opened fire, gravely injuring one of the deputies. Folklore about the incident deviates widely from this story, including theories that a SWAT team served the warrant, it was somehow related to 9/11, the occult did it or that it was retribution for defecting and telling the truth (only took eleven years). Then there’s the story credited to Jerome Clark, where he recalls, “…while lecturing in Sydney, Australia, on the Dark Side fantasies for which Cooper was largely responsible, I had my speech interrupted by an enraged audience member who started shouting at me. It was his view, as I understood it, that I was a CIA member; after all, only a CIA member would charge that Cooper’s stuff was 100% horseradish.”
A lot of his fans don’t even realize that he completely renounced his opinions regarding UFOs in his last years, saying they were a cover for an EVEN BIGGER ploy. Coop has had his namesake used as a pseudonym by underground rapper William Cooper. William Cooper is a part of the Black Market Militia who released an album based off of Behold a Pale Horse. Coop’s also popular with Ill Bill who released the single “Society is Brainwashed,” which discusses Coop and his book for the second verse. A google search for “William Milton Cooper” returns 67,800 results (which is pretty good for a nut who became popular before the internet).
4. David Icke
David Icke was a popular BBC television sports presenter and spokesman for the Green Party. Soon after establishing his prestige, he proceeded to murder his credibility by going on the Terry Wogan show to proclaim he was the son of God and that the world was going to crumble soon.
Have you ever heard of the ‘reptilians?’ The widely purported master theory in Icky’s repertoire reads like a fanfic of V written by Jordan Maxwell, mixed with the Protocols and some new agey spirituality BS for good measure. This is the cornerstone for all of his other points. Mostly any person in power (especially if they’re Jewish) has shape-shifted and assumed power over our measly species, before going back to their underground lairs. The David Icke Guide to the Global Conspiracy (pg. 93) puts it this way: “There are ‘physical’ Reptilians living underground that are operating within the frequency range of human sight, but the most powerful ones are beyond this dimension.”
Oh, and the Protocols were written by the reptilians, who blamed it on the Jews to throw you off. But it’s not like reptilians can be Jewish, so no one’s excluded from the paranoid fun! From Global Conspiracy, in the section Jewish means ‘faith’, not race (165): “There is no such thing as a Jewish ‘race’, just as there is no Aryan ‘race’ in the way it is portrayed by the white supremacists.” By the way, the Holocaust was lies and global scheming by the reptilians.
Meet the Fans
Icky has published around 30 videos and books (which he claims not to generate any profitable revenue from). He’s also quite popular on the lecture circuit, having visited more than 40 countries. Selling out a tour is also not unheard of. If you’re a super fan, you can become a premium member of his message board for five dollars each thirty days.
Icke’s website’s advertising revenue is assessed at $456.37 a day (Roughly $166,689.14 a year), with an estimated total worth of $333,150.10. Also, from the same source, his website receives 155,060 pageviews a day. Songs have been written in support of Icky and his theories by many groups such as High on Fire and Nile.
3. Jesse Ventura
Whoever has not heard of Jesse “The Body” Ventura either wasn’t alive during the 90’s or is not an American citizen (and therefore, probably commie scum). After serving in the Navy, he first came to public attention for his stint as a professional wrestler (assuming wrestlers can be professional) and color commentator in the WWF. In 1991, he first flirted with politics, but is best remembered for infamously winning the seat for Governor of Minnesota in ’99. After a while, he had decided his life was making too much sense so he gave his career an inverted bearhug and jumped on the conspiracy theory bandwagon.
Jesse first became active in the ‘truther’ movement (people who claim 9/11 was an inside job; 9/11 deniers), convinced that 9/11 was a demolition. Ventura has spread his message to various syndicated radio and television shows – such as Opie and Anthony, The View, Larry King Live/CNN and Hannity. Late 2009 saw the airing of the first episode of his recently shit-canned show, “Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura” on TruTV, which is like “Penn and Teller’s Bullshit!” except full of bullshit. He’s also published eight books about politics, the latest one being They Killed Our President (4.5 fucking stars) in March 2010. He also looks like a bald Nick Nolte.
Coincidence or… CONSPIRACY!?
Meet the Fans
Mr. Body’s show “Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura” debuted with 1.64 million viewers, which is unheard of for a cable channel that is mostly not heard of (actually beating TruTV’s debut episode viewership rating). Subsequent episodes aired to audiences of 1.58 million and 1.3 million. This is no coincidence (read: it’s a conspiracy) as the show had boosted viewership for the station at the same exact time-slot by sixty freaking percent. Why did it go off the air? Because, of course, there’s a conspiracy.
2. Alex Jones
The crown prince of tin-foil radio, Alex Jones hails from Dallas, Texas. Starting out with a public access channel call-in show, he later switched over to KJFK, eventually leading to his syndication in over 60 markets through the Genesis Communications Network (thanks to Citadel Media/ABC) and XM radio.
Alex Jones, circa 1995
Alex Jones is one of the most well known names in modern conspiracy theory, judging by the infestation of infowars bumper stickers ravaging our urban landscapes. He is best known for ‘exposing‘ the bohemian grove, his routine coverage of international meetings (Bildeberg, Trilateral Commission, G20, etc.), his 17+ documentaries, his radio show, his protesting efforts and also producing the internet famous “Loose Change” documentary.
Annoy your whole town, only $3.95 each (retail)
Meet the Fans
Jones commands an army of devotees, with a roster that claims Dave Mustaine, Doug Stanhope and Charlie Sheen within its ranks. According to the same source that assessed Icke’s web statistics, his websites infowars.com and prisonplanet.com receive a combined 1,162,740 page views a day. In terms of revenue, they generate $3194.13/day ($1,166,655.98/yr) and $299.18/day ($109,275.50/yr), respectively. This makes for a grand total of $3,493.31 a day and $1,275,931.48 a year in advertising revenue alone, not so respectively.
At least he gave us the best Megadeth album since Countdown to Extinction.
1. Winston Churchill
Don’t play that one with us, you know damned well you know who Winston Churchill was. We’re not stupid. He was clearly one of our founding fathers, and probably a President (the 3rd one?).
So, why are we writing about Churchy like we know what we’re talking about? Well in a British paper, the Illustrated Sunday Herald, on 8 February 1920 (page 5), “Rt. Hon. Winston S. Churchill” wrote an article entitled “Zionism vs. Bolshevism.” Inside, Churchy Hill lists the types of Jews that exist (categorized by “good” and “bad” Jews) such as ‘National’ Jews, ‘International’ Jews and ‘Terrorist’ Jews. He also disseminates just how the Jewish world conspiracy works, Israel and the ‘duty of loyal Jews,’ which is probably concerned with water fluoridation and the purity of our natural fluids.
“Have you ever seen a Jewish person drinking water, Colonel Mandrake?”
Meet the Fans
Churchy left a legacy and is viewed by history as one of the great political figures of the 20th Century. Then again, 1 in 4 Brits don’t even believe he existed, so go figure. The amount of people altogether that knew he put Jews into different “flavors”? Probably, like, seven.
So, there you have it, the five biggest names in conspiracy theory. It seems like a war is brewing between the powerful superluminatilewmason squad 2000 and the overwhelmingly gullible, but being part of the Illuminati, I, for one, welcome our new reptilian overlords.