by Justin Crockett

Computers are more and more becoming a part of us. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some terrifying consequences arising from this partnership…

#4. The Smile Detector

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Computers will soon discern if your emotions, more specifically your smile, are authentic, or complete bullshit. The end result will be a system that assesses your emotions, and responds to you accordingly. And the smile is complex enough to convey many different things, be it happiness or sheer frustration. With special webcams, researchers had computers analyze a group of subjects, and they could differentiate which kind of smile was occurring with nutty accuracy.

#3. They Can Predict Where You Will Be Going

Computers and smartphones are great at describing a person’s location. But soon, they’ll not only tell others where you are, but they will tell where you are most likely going to end up. Researchers have developed an algorithm that not only follows your patterns, but overlays them in accordance with your other contacts. They studied 200 people with the system, and the predicted results were accurate within 65 feet after a full day.

#2. They Can Judge Your Mood

MIT super-nerds are creating software that identify emotions in not just one person’s face, but in a whole crowd as well. And it’s been proving to be more efficient at doing this than actual people. Eventually, the scientists believe that it could gather millions of people’s reactions, even if they’re at home, essentially replacing opinion polls, and influencing elections.

#1. Eye-Tracking Systems

Several companies, including Apple, are hard at work on the newest technology that will ensure that while you’re at your computer, nothing except your God-given soul will be safe.

We’ve all seen the constant face-fucking of advertisements on websites. But one thing we could always count on being able to do was to either scroll down away from its gaze, or just try our best to ignore it.


“Well, I guess I’m just not masturbating today.

The aforementioned brain demons, sorry, scientists, somehow aren’t happy enough with this brittle truce that man and computer have had for years now. No, they’re developing technology that will no longer let you just ignore an advertisement, or disregard an article you’re reading that you don’t agree with. As Christopher Walken patiently explained in “True Romance”, human beings have all sorts of pantomimes and gestures that give them away. Many of these are involuntary, and many of these come from our very eyes.


“Ha! You blinked! I win! Vote Obama.”

As front-facing, constantly running cameras are sure to be the future of technology, we will be studied in ways we never thought possible. Sure, the systems will always monitor what you’re reading, but the cameras will be equipped to monitor how we react to all of the stimuli. By looking into the very pits of our eyes, the computer will watch how we respond to words and images, how long we linger on certain words(titties…see? Bet you spent a couple seconds on that one), how we blink, and even how much our pupils dilate. All of this will help them form a database of shit that encapsulates you like no companies have ever been able to do before.


“Guys! He gazed longingly at the Taco Bell ad! I think he’s Mexican!”

So imagine you’re on a popular website(Brazilian fart porn). Your eyes naturally scan around the page, you see an ad that kind of interests you, but you choose not to click on it, because you’re engrossed in hispanic anal emissions. Too late! The program has already seen from your baby blues that you showed interest. Now you will be fed advertisements based on a two second glance. Enjoy a steady barrage of auto insurance quotes!