7 Musicians and Their Bizarre TV Cameos

When you’re a globe-trotting megastar in the world of music, you probably have it all: Money, girls, respect, the strongest immune system known to man. Sometimes all of those perks aren’t enough, and you have to start “expressing yourself” in other ways. Tell-all memoirs are one way. Maybe a foray into animal mating gesture mimicry. Or, like these people, awkward as shit cameos on TV shows…..

#7. James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich-Dragons?

Dave the Barbarian was a Disney Channel cartoon in 2004, that lasted only 23 episodes, the shortest run in the history of the network. Maybe because when you hear about barbarians, the first thing that enters you brain is not a wimpy guy who is oversensitive to pain, and would rather cook, or knit a sweater, rather than fight.

In an effort to toughen things up, metal lords of Metallica, James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich, appeared on an episode as a couple of teenage dragons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-wpLKJzjNo

In the inimitable words of the man that taught us to bow to Leper Messiah, “a dragon don’t work for the man, DIG??” And Ulrich kinda just repeats him.

#6. Phil Collins, “Miami Vice”

Phil Collins is responsible for many things. The rise of progressive rock in the 1970’s with Genesis, the worldwide acceptance and adoration of tiny, bald men, the rise of 80’s synthesized cheese pop with Genesis, and the most terrifying, nightmare-inducing video ever made:

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Annnnnndddd night terrors

In some kind of cocaine-fueled pact between Miami Vice producers and Phil, they agreed to basically put every song he recorded in the early 80’s onto the show. They even allowed him to be in the show. In an episode called “Phil the Shill”, he appeared as a sleazy game show host named Phil Mayhew, who runs a game show called “Rat Race”.

http://youtu.be/-PG36LiRBn8?t=52s

Two contestants are engaged in a battle of wits. Phil asks a final question “How many bathrooms are there in Graceland?” The first guy, apparently Balki’s goth brother, quips “You mean the whole country???” Incredibly enough, he gets it wrong, leading to a super bonus round. To the tune of Phil’s own “Rat Race”, written especially for the episode, the two contestants putter around what has to be the world’s tiniest obstacle course. Seriously, the Mouse Trap board game takes more space. The whole entire time, a bearded, possible Yugoslavian man in the audience is completely losing his shit cheering for goth-Balki.

At the end, it’s revealed that the whole entire thing is rigged, as the game show is being cancelled immediately after its conclusion. We’re still trying to put the piece of our lives back together….

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You sweet, sweet little angel man-baby

#5. Frank Zappa, “Miami Vice”

Frank Zappa, the bizarre but talented rocker known for such gems as “Peaches en Regalia”, and “Watermelon in Easter Hay”, entered the 80’s with a new record label and renewed sense of direction. And what better way to get yourself and your new agenda out there, than kicking it with Crockett and Tubbs? Yes, he lost himself in the role as drug kingpin Mario Fuente. Who sold something called “weasel dust”. There’s also many bikini clad girls on the boat who suffered from the horrible affliction “80’s butt”.

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You poor, poor thing.

#4. Boy George, “The A-Team”

Boy George himself would be the first to tell you he’s not the manliest thing that could appear in an 80’s television show that secreted pure testosterone. In this plot-happy episode, a Cowboy George is scheduled to perform at the local redneck bar. When Cowboy doesn’t surface, holy shit we need a George who can fill in!!! Boy George to the rescue!

While he gets his share of heckles from the rowdy, Milwaukee’s Best-stricken crowd, they eventually come around and fall in love with the performance. Because rednecks are super understanding of alternate lifestyles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cMfYDQ7RKg

#3. Tom Morello, “Star Trek Voyager”

Rage Against the Machine dominated the 90’s, with their hard steely edge, and politically heavy lyrics. Tom Morello is mostly responsibly for their sound, utilizing multiple effects that mimicked DJ scratces, and otherworldly screeching sounds.

Morello is a nerd, straight up. And not afraid to admit it. He’s even writing his own comic book. He is also trying to dabble in acting. One of his first appearances is as the guy who showed us funny animal videos on Animal Planet, who just happened to wander upon the Voyager, unnoticed.

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Whoops….wrong guy…

Morello plays Crewman Mitchell, a Human Starfleet officer, who greets Captain Janeway as she proceeds down a corridor on board the ship. In a rather wooden manner, he tells Janeway that he’s been “never better”, and directs her down the hallway with a “to the left, m’am”, a possible reference to his political views.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67zBxXp21Eo

#2. Anthrax, “Married With Children”

Bud Bundy likes his rock music. That’s why he enters to have the chance to host a party thrown at his house. Too bad that’s the same night as Peg and Al’s anniversary. The answer? The kids send them down to Florida for some hand-stuffed-in-pants relaxation.

The band arrives in the midst of a snowstorm, with no one to play to except good ol’ Marcy and the kids. Not even Scott Ian’s unholy turd of a goatee shows up. They sit around awkwardly, sounding all street and stuff. They do, however, finally get Al’s “mystery package” out of the fridge, though. Then they rip into song, showing us why they’re the 4th best thrash band of our generation…..out of 4.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cIZoJFZxSM

#1. Mike Jagger, “Faerie Tale Theatre”

Mick Jagger is Asian. That’s why he was cast to play The Emperor, an Oriental man of royalty who befriends a housemaid, and a little bird. While looking suspiciously like Lo Pan, from “Big Trouble in Little China”

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Can we please get this guy a green-eyed bitch? He gets really cranky.

In an episode of Faerie Tale Theatre dubbed “The Nightingale”, Sir Mick pretty much puts on a display of simple restraint, contrary to his cock-walking and shimmying on stage. And by restraint, we mean he hardly does anything. He spouts out half-assed truths, and rather just enjoys listening to himself.

http://youtu.be/J16wydZnAs4?t=1m4s

Pictures Taken Just Before Major Events

     Many times, we come to understand significant events in history by the visual documents that are taken during them. Occasionally, whoever is snapping photos of said event just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and we can see a record of what was going on beforehand, as if something was just in the air….

#9. Babe Ruth Called Shot

A lot of debate still rages as to whether the famed Babe Ruth ever pointed to the bleachers to signify he was about to hit a home run. There is however, this picture….

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…and then he hit a home run.

#8. Fall of The Soviet Union

In 1991, the Soviet Union dissolution occurred after many republics in the union declared their independence. This photograph shows the last time the Soviet flag flew over the Kremlin. The entire government would be turned over the next day.

Pictures of The Fall of the Soviet Union, 1991 (43)

#7. Abbey Road

The picture you know:

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During the Beatles’ photo sessions, photographer Ian McMillan captured the band getting ready to make their famous stroll across Abbey Road.

The picture you don’t know:

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That there is a couple of Beatles chillin’. Paul seems to be cleaning Ringo’s shoulders much like a mother ape would.

#6. Icelandic Volcano

In 2010, a major volcano erupted in the  Eyjafjallajökull region in Iceland. The event was so massive it caused the most air travel disruption since WWII.

Witness as Zuul returns to Earth:

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#5. John Lennon’s Killer

Mark David Chapman, the man who would go on to assassinate John Lennon, staked out the former Beatle’s residence for the better part of the day, even going so far as to get an album autographed by Lennon. This happened just hours before Lennon was gunned down.

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You can see his doughy peer right to Lennon’s left.

#4. Archduke Franz Ferdinand

The assassination of Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand is widely known as a major cause of the first World War. This picture of the Archduke and his wife walking to their vehicle was snapped 5 minutes before he was killed.

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#3. The Titanic Before Sinking

Father Francis Browne was an Irish priest who was a passenger aboard the doomed Titanic ship. He also dabbled in photography, his greatest work being the final pictures of the Titanic before it sunk into the Atlantic Ocean.

Fr. Browne's Last Picture of the Titanic

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(Icebergs in the distance, possibly the ones that caused the sinking)

#2. Lincoln Just Before The Gettysburg Address

On November 19, 1863, President Abraham Lincoln arrived at a Civil War battlefield to commemorate a war memorial and cemetery. Just after these pictures were taken, Lincoln would stand in front of some 20,000 people and deliver the Gettysburg Address.

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#1. Conrad Schumann

Conrad Schumann was an East German policeman who famously defected to West Germany during the construction of the Berlin Wall. Here he is busting ass out of town:

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Here he is just prior to busting ass, quietly gazing at a group of house-fraus:

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But when he saw that he could make a clean getaway to West Germany, he, you guessed it, busted ass over there.

His exploits will forever be remembered as a reminder of the Cold War and its divisions, even forged in statue, with the iconic “Air Schumann”:

Mauerstreifen_Schumann_Berlin

6 Musicians Who Were Shitty, Shitty Human Beings

When it comes to music, we don’t ask a lot of our idols. Churn out some hits, give us some solid albums, and don’t commit high crimes or kill anybody. Some of these people didn’t get that fax…..

#6. Vince Neil

December 8th is a shitty day to be a rock musician. It was the day John Lennon was shot in 1980, Dimebag Darrell of Pantera fame met his maker on that day in 2004, and it’s also the day Vince Neil of Motley Crue decided to drive himself and Hanoi Rocks drummer “Razzle” Dingley to the liquor store. Continue reading

9 Bizarre Albums by Popular Artists

by Justin Crockett

There is something about sustained success from an artist that makes them feel that they should jeopardize it all in one fell swoop. Think about it, cranking out good songs consistently, enjoying worldwide adoration, that shit gets real old. The point of being an artist is to make your fans question what, exactly, is in your skull….

#9. Neil Young, “Trans”

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Neil Young has had a long, storied career, beginning with 60’s legends Buffalo Springfield and Crosby, Stills, & Nash. He then took his rootsy, storytelling style into the 70’s with his epic live band Crazy Horse. Neil wasn’t the most attractive fella in any room, ever, but his iconic vocal style and personal lyrics connected with several decades worth of audiences.

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Markakis Leaves the Orioles

by Justin Crockett

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This past week, Nick Markakis decided to leave the Baltimore Orioles after a nine year career with the Birds:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/orioles/blog/bal-nick-markakis-departure-hard-to-digest-for-several-reasons-20141204-story.html

As a lifelong Orioles fan, it might seem far-fetched to me in this business age of baseball that he should have been a career Oriole, and indeed should have even had his number retired at the end of his run. To me, it’s not about the numbers, which were surely strong in his first 4 seasons with the team. It was about that roughly defined “Oriole Way”, which is not about stats or prominence, but being nameless for the sake of the team, playing every day, and playing like a kid.

You will be missed, Nicky.

Insane “As Seen on TV” Products Unleashed Upon the Human Race

by Justin Crockett

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When you remember Billy Mays and his beard, and Ron Popeil and his apron(??), your mind conjurs up feelings of goofy-but-probably-somewhat-useful products. But then, sometimes, the universe unleashes a shart of such proportion that the sun devours itself and were are left alone in the darkness. These products were devised by an elite team of supervillains and robots who don’t yet understand humans.

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Our Allegiance to Our Sports Teams is Becoming Dangerous

by Justin Crockett

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In the spiral of shit that this week has become regarding the NFL, Ray Rice, domestic violence discussions, and cover-up after cover-up, one thing is becoming very clear:

Our blind allegiance to our sports teams and players is becoming a dangerous thing.

In light of today’s story that the NFL indeed had the full video of Ray Rice face-fucking his fiancee with his fist with cartoonish power and speed, there are tons of questions that need to be addressed in order to restore some kind of faith in humanity.

If you haven’t been on Earth recently, here’s a recap of how the news broke, and how the news quickly shit its own pants: Ray Rice and his wife-to-be were leaving a casino, got into an elevator where something happened during the ride that made her be unconscious at its destination. That’s how the story began. The footage that accompanied the story just showed her crumpled body and Ray Rice standing there like “ehhhh what the heck?”.

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So….Tony Soprano is Alive?

by Justin Crockett

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So, news is coming out today that the creator of the beloved Sopranos series has basically admitted that, no, Tony Soprano didn’t die in that diner all those years ago.

In an interview with Vox, show creator David Chase was asked if Tony was dead. To which he replied, “No. No, he isn’t.” Why Chase would reveal that information after years of being asked the same question is purely speculative. If somehow you’re just being born, or have been disassembled a decade ago and just recently reassembled, here is that final scene from the show:

 

Lots of things going on in that final few minutes. You’ve got onion rings, the most historic parallel-parking abortion ever captured on film, and a diner full of people who got dressed in 1984 and just woke up. A suspicious man walks by Tony on the way to the potty, and then it cuts to black. Viewers were outraged, you know the whole story by now.

My question is, why does David Chase feel he needs to explain himself? Even with the death of James Gandolfini, why do these questions have to be answered? There is a trust that exists between us, the audience, and the people that work to put the work of art into the population. If that trust exists, why can’t the final scene of a great show just exist on its own? The creator of the art has no obligation to appease the masses. Why does it matter if Tony Soprano lives or dies at the end? It’s ok for something to be a mystery sometimes. It builds buzz. It gives the art a life of its own and assures its timelessness and future relevance.

The only thing I can imagine, is that with the unexpected death of Gandolfini, David Chase was kind of giving him an homage, saying that while the man isn’t here with us anymore, he does live on.

 

The Year in Badass Music: 1986

by Justin Crockett

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1986 was a strange year for music. While pop and rock music were still doing as well as they always do, and the synth-happy sheen of New Wave music was still gracing every John Hughes movie, an unlikely genre was beginning to sell out stadiums worldwide: thrash metal. No less than three monumental classics in the history of heavy metal came out in ’86: Metallica with “Master of Puppets”, Megadeth with “Peace Sells….But Who’s Buying”, and Slayer with “Reign in Blood”. Slayer sucks, but that’s not the point of this. Some people like them.

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